[Inside they go! And right to the bar with their cheap beer. Tuuri takes hers, but she looks at it first, like she's considering if she really wants to drink or not.
Or maybe she has something else on her mind.]
...sorry. For delaying things so much. I know it would have been easier if I had let people check me earlier, but...
It's alright, I can understand why for that. I give in a lot easier than she does.
[Tuuri has her boundaries, but she also picks and chooses her battles. And with her life on the line there, it wasn't a time to put her foot down.]
It's just- ugly, that's all. An ugly mark that's better off staying covered up. I know it's silly to worry about here of all places, when I'm surrounded by gods and supermodels, but...I don't want people seeing it. I'd rather they not know about it at all.
[Her use of 'ugly' here is more like 'poisonous' or 'tainted' rather than 'opposite of pretty' btw, even with the comparison to the gods and supermodels.]
...We've all got things we don't want anyone to know about.
[Regardless of what they are. So Lavi can understand that desire, even if all of his scars on the inside. And isn't he lucky, that he hadn't had to show his during the strip search? He knows that, and a well of guilt opens up inside of him at the realization.]
But I'm sorry that you had to show yours, Tuuri. I know that you're pretty emotionally stable -- you're mature in ways most of us can't even manage or do for complete strangers, and you've been like that time and time again.
...So however ugly your mark is, I know that it's serious just from how you reacted.
[Well. There's a lot of places to go from there, but some things are too painful to talk about. Even with someone you've grown to trust. But a condensed version of the truth should be fine, Tuuri reasons, and she wants someone to know. That way, if anything ever happens to her, the explanation of 'why' will be out there already.]
We had to grow up really fast. Me, my brother, and my cousin. So I guess part of having to stop being a kid all of a sudden is that you get mature really fast too. And my brother and cousin aren't the best at their emotions, so I got good at seeing what they really mean when they talk. It's a handy skill, now that I think about it.
[That doesn't quite explain her reaction at trial though, so.]
Yes, those are two of the important parts. And for the non-immune, there's two ways to catch it: by breathing in the infection, or by being bitten or injured by a troll. Any injury that breaks the skin risks an infection. And once infected, that's it. There's no cure. No way of saving anyone. It's just a slow and painful month as you turn into a troll, if you're not lucky enough to die before that.
[Her right hand twitches, like she's going to reach up to rub her left shoulder. But she stops herself from doing it this time.]
Lavi takes this in, quiet. The pieces of clicking together -- steadily, slowly, and yet he thinks they're still adding up to the picture in his mind, of whenever Tuuri touches her shoulder, her soft answer in Finnish when he'd asked her if they were scars.]
...Is that what happened to you?
[he thinks he knows the answer, but he asks anyway, because he has to confirm.]
This is really one of the few occasions where Lavi wishes he wasn't right. They're all dead, yes, and some of them have died horrifically, but it hurts in a different way, to hear Tuuri admit this, when she didn't have to in the first place. That the trial could affect so much more than just the killer and the victim, that it's waves could touch traumas unrelated.
He gently lifts a hand, hesitates, then reaches over to press it on the top of Tuuri's head.]
[The headpat ends up tapping into memories long past, of an older brother holding his baby sister close through a chilly fall evening, patting her head as she shivers under both her coat and blanket. 'It's alright. We'll be alright.'
How long has it been since someone actually comforted her like that? When did she learn how to keep smiling so people wouldn't worry about her?]
It's fine. It's- it's all fine. That's what we're here to change, right?
[There's an uncomfortable truth about Tuuri's situation that's still gnawing at her, deep in her chest-
Even if you win and go back, what situation are you going back into?
-but it hasn't consumed her yet. She can still smile and act like she's alright.]
[Lavi knows a thing or two about smiles. He has one for every occasion, all of them similarly distasteful, every one a different fabrication. He knows the kind of smiles that hide and the ones that lie, and the ones that are meant to comfort anyone else but them.]
...We can still change it, but that doesn't mean it didn't happen.
[Or maybe they'll forget, once they go back. If they go back. Fate isn't set in stone, huh? But what would change if Lavi went back?
His hand moves gently, not so much a pet as it is a stroke.]
You've got the scars, Tuuri. They're a part of you, and that's not a bad thing. Just makes up who you are, yeah?
[They're a part of her, huh? She can't help but wonder what everyone will think when they see those scars on her shoulder.
She can tell Laviis trying to make her feel better though, and she appreciates it. Almost as much as she appreciates that headpat. So with a sigh, she leans over a little bit, to thunk her head against Lavi's shoulder. He started it, so it's fine to be a little vulnerable.]
What they represent has been my worst fear for my entire life. I was always told 'don't go outside the safe areas, don't go anywhere dangerous, save that work for the immune people, you have your place here.' I don't regret going out into the Silent World, I knew the risks when I signed up to go. But it's still frightening.
Your worst fears were realized. You died the way people have been saying could happen your entire life. And now you're here, in this place that's constantly reminding us that we're dead.
[She has to keep telling herself that, or else the weight of everything will drag her down.]
Some trolls have been stuck as trolls for ninety years now. And we were well out into the Silent World on our mission. If I had turned instead of being killed, I could have suffered out there for centuries before someone found me and put me out of my misery. This is honestly a better outcome.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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Or maybe she has something else on her mind.]
...sorry. For delaying things so much. I know it would have been easier if I had let people check me earlier, but...
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Don't apologize. Not for that.
'Sides, you wouldn't have had to say anything if I pressed Four harder with the search.
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[Tuuri has her boundaries, but she also picks and chooses her battles. And with her life on the line there, it wasn't a time to put her foot down.]
It's just- ugly, that's all. An ugly mark that's better off staying covered up. I know it's silly to worry about here of all places, when I'm surrounded by gods and supermodels, but...I don't want people seeing it. I'd rather they not know about it at all.
[Her use of 'ugly' here is more like 'poisonous' or 'tainted' rather than 'opposite of pretty' btw, even with the comparison to the gods and supermodels.]
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[Regardless of what they are. So Lavi can understand that desire, even if all of his scars on the inside. And isn't he lucky, that he hadn't had to show his during the strip search? He knows that, and a well of guilt opens up inside of him at the realization.]
But I'm sorry that you had to show yours, Tuuri. I know that you're pretty emotionally stable -- you're mature in ways most of us can't even manage or do for complete strangers, and you've been like that time and time again.
...So however ugly your mark is, I know that it's serious just from how you reacted.
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[Well. There's a lot of places to go from there, but some things are too painful to talk about. Even with someone you've grown to trust. But a condensed version of the truth should be fine, Tuuri reasons, and she wants someone to know. That way, if anything ever happens to her, the explanation of 'why' will be out there already.]
We had to grow up really fast. Me, my brother, and my cousin. So I guess part of having to stop being a kid all of a sudden is that you get mature really fast too. And my brother and cousin aren't the best at their emotions, so I got good at seeing what they really mean when they talk. It's a handy skill, now that I think about it.
[That doesn't quite explain her reaction at trial though, so.]
Did I ever explain what trolls are, exactly?
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Just that humans can turn into them when they get infected, and that some are immune?
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[Her right hand twitches, like she's going to reach up to rub her left shoulder. But she stops herself from doing it this time.]
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Lavi takes this in, quiet. The pieces of clicking together -- steadily, slowly, and yet he thinks they're still adding up to the picture in his mind, of whenever Tuuri touches her shoulder, her soft answer in Finnish when he'd asked her if they were scars.]
...Is that what happened to you?
[he thinks he knows the answer, but he asks anyway, because he has to confirm.]
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[She looks to him and tries to smile, but it's a tight, forced one. Like she's forced it there to hold back tears.]
I was one of the lucky ones.
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This is really one of the few occasions where Lavi wishes he wasn't right. They're all dead, yes, and some of them have died horrifically, but it hurts in a different way, to hear Tuuri admit this, when she didn't have to in the first place. That the trial could affect so much more than just the killer and the victim, that it's waves could touch traumas unrelated.
He gently lifts a hand, hesitates, then reaches over to press it on the top of Tuuri's head.]
...I'm sorry.
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How long has it been since someone actually comforted her like that? When did she learn how to keep smiling so people wouldn't worry about her?]
It's fine. It's- it's all fine. That's what we're here to change, right?
[There's an uncomfortable truth about Tuuri's situation that's still gnawing at her, deep in her chest-
Even if you win and go back, what situation are you going back into?
-but it hasn't consumed her yet. She can still smile and act like she's alright.]
That fate isn't set in stone, so it's alright.
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...We can still change it, but that doesn't mean it didn't happen.
[Or maybe they'll forget, once they go back. If they go back. Fate isn't set in stone, huh? But what would change if Lavi went back?
His hand moves gently, not so much a pet as it is a stroke.]
You've got the scars, Tuuri. They're a part of you, and that's not a bad thing. Just makes up who you are, yeah?
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She can tell Laviis trying to make her feel better though, and she appreciates it. Almost as much as she appreciates that headpat. So with a sigh, she leans over a little bit, to thunk her head against Lavi's shoulder. He started it, so it's fine to be a little vulnerable.]
What they represent has been my worst fear for my entire life. I was always told 'don't go outside the safe areas, don't go anywhere dangerous, save that work for the immune people, you have your place here.' I don't regret going out into the Silent World, I knew the risks when I signed up to go. But it's still frightening.
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[there's fear, and there's also Trauma?]
Your worst fears were realized. You died the way people have been saying could happen your entire life. And now you're here, in this place that's constantly reminding us that we're dead.
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[She has to keep telling herself that, or else the weight of everything will drag her down.]
Some trolls have been stuck as trolls for ninety years now. And we were well out into the Silent World on our mission. If I had turned instead of being killed, I could have suffered out there for centuries before someone found me and put me out of my misery. This is honestly a better outcome.